So. With the end of the year arriving soon I've been assessing just exactly how much this year has, for me, sucked cyst covered donkey dicks. For the record; the CCDD™ sucking level has been significantly higher than that of any other year I have personally suffered through. I don't want this blog to turn into a blog of bitching about personal shit, I have a personal journal for that and I feel like most people don't want to hear about it. The internet is kind of infested with that anyhow. But this year fucking sucked onthat donkey cock like its ungrateful urethra was full of liquid gold. At least for the most part.
But I've learned something important from all of this. Or at least cemented some things for me. The best of intentions mean very, very little. Hell, the best of actions can weigh just as much. Inside, I'm someone with an insatiable thirst for knowledge and learning, I know what I want to do with my life, and I want to treat everyone close to me with all of the respect, caring and love I feel I deserve, and I want to be as objective and skeptical as humanly possible. I've tried my hardest to let my internalization guide my actions to the best of my ability. However, that shit hits a fucking
adamantium wall in the face of the strong opposition of apathy, selfishness, and insanity. 2011 was highlighted by outright abuse for most of the year. Then when college started up, some good old fashioned individually driven but non-individualized education astonishingly beneath my level...just heartbreak after heartbreak, it all chipped away at me. I was constantly anxious and depressed, my self-confidence real damn low. I don't know... People tell me I don't act introverted and unsure of myself, and a lot of people don't believe me when I have told them even before all of this, but I really, really am. Always been.
I guess it just don't show all the time. But anyone can just ask certain English teachers I have had over the years and they'll tell you I'm way too hard on myself and stuff. It helps with arguments and writing, to be constantly wracked with dissent in my head, and I never want to lose that, but at times it can be debilitating. So when I tell you this was a low point for me, especially when fall came around, I hope you appreciate the import of that. I couldn't write most of the time. When I did I couldn't get over how much I hated it and how awful I thought it was. And after I had only recently discovered that this lifestyle is how I want to guide my
existence, I felt unfulfilled and lost. I had to have a significant amount of individual drive to do a lot of work on things that were waaaaaay below my level. Shit. Most of it was below my level before I entered fucking middle school. I felt like I was in pre-sophomore year Max's life again (Pre-Hasebrook/Yant), where the teachers are all: "I can tell you're a very bright young man, but why aren't you putting in the effort needed to get your work done?"
All of the internalized shit that guided me began to be questioned and eroded. I didn't feel like I could be a writer, that I was a good writer, or anything. And then people were telling me that I'd get used to it, first year is always the hardest, yadda. The prospect of me getting used to this, and essentially stunting my
growth as a learner and writer, was not one that filled me with heel-clicking sunshine. The time not spent worrying and anxious and sad, was full of a lot of me desperately trying to find things that could make me happy, or just distract me, and most of the time there was nothing. That was the dumps I was in as the year became closer to the ending than the beginning.
So with that icky personal mess behind us, well, behind this paragraph anyway... If anyone really wants to know more about anything I'm not one to be hesitating on answering were you to ask. But let us get to what matters, or how this is effecting this blog, writing, and the frequency that I will be writing on it. I'm taking a quarter off from school to write. I'm hoping to get at least one or two things sent out for publication. Getting one out wouldn't be too hard. Doing little one offs and essays on here once a week shouldn't be any harder.
I apologize to anyone I annoyed with my bitching. Everything just sucks and has sucked for quite some time, and please appreciate the difficulty for me to do this. I thank everyone who helped me get through this nonsense, both those who should know who they are and those who do not. Hell, thanks to the people who will help me in the
future continue to get through this, I don't discriminate against actions that haven't been taken yet. I offer nothing but hopes for pain and retribution to everyone who made it worse. Oh, you assholes deserve much more than that, but I'm in a jolly mood what with Christmas and all. Reaping the crops raised from the seeds you have sewn would be a nice Christmas gift though. It's never too late to make a very dangerous enemy less vengeful! Isn't that what Christmas is all about? 'Tis the fucking season, you scum.
